When I broke my arm, I thought the hardest part would be caring for my five-month-old twins while I healed. I was wrong. The real pain came from realizing how little my husband understood about what I carried every day, and how far I'd have to go to make him see it.
"Hope?"
I didn't answer right away.
Derek stood in the doorway of my mom's living room, staring at Luke in her arms, Miles in mine, and the diaper bag I'd packed for more than one night.
His face changed.
"Why are the boys staying here?"
I looked at him.
"Because my arm is broken, Derek."
"I know that."
"Apparently you don't. You don't even understand that I need help."
"Why are the boys staying here?"
His eyes moved to the folded sheet of paper on the coffee table. It was the schedule he'd refused to follow the night before.
Then he looked back at me.
"You took my kids and left?"
"Bring them home."
"No."
"You took my kids and left?"
His jaw tightened.
"Hope."
For five months, I'd spent every day figuring things out before Derek had to notice there was a problem.
Then I broke my arm.
And for the first time, I couldn't keep doing his half too.
***
Two days before I went to Mom's, I was sitting on the nursery floor trying to snap Luke's sleeper with my left hand.
My right arm was trapped in a cast.
Miles had started fussing behind me, and my tea sat untouched on the changing table.
Derek walked in, stepped around a basket of clean laundry, and loosened his tie.
"What's for dinner, Hope?"
I stopped fighting with the sleeper.
"My arm is broken."
"I know."
I waited.
"What's for dinner, Hope?"
"So?"
"So what?"
"I was hoping you'd remember what kitchens are for. Or at least know how takeout works."
He didn't smile.
"I worked ten hours today."
"And I fell down the stairs yesterday."
The doctor put my fractured arm in a cast and told me not to lift Luke or Miles with it while it healed.
I looked toward Miles.
Derek checked his phone.
"I haven't even changed yet."
"And I fell down the stairs yesterday."
"He doesn't care what you're wearing."
"Hope."
"I just got home."
"So did you stop being their father in the driveway?"
His mouth tightened.
"I pay the bills."
"And?"
"And I'm not coming home to start another shift."
That word sat between us.
Another.
Like fatherhood was overtime.
"I need help for a few weeks," I said. "Come home an hour earlier when you can. Take a day if you have one. Ask if you can work from home sometimes."
"So did I before maternity leave."
"Exactly. You're home now."
"With two babies."
"So did I before maternity leave."
"You're better at this anyway."
"I'm doing it more. That's why I'm better."
Miles started crying.
Derek sighed like the sound offended him.
"Can't you just handle him?"
"With one arm?"
"You have another one."
"You're better at this anyway."
I went quiet.
Then he shrugged.
"You're the one who wanted kids."
"We wanted them. You were the one showing me nursery ideas before I was even pregnant."
"You know what I mean."
"You're the one who wanted kids."
"No, I don't, Derek. I don't even know who you are right now."
He rubbed his forehead.
"I'm exhausted, Hope. Moms don't get sick days."
I looked down at my cast.
"I'm injured."
"That's not my problem."
"I don't even know who you are right now."
I stared at him.
"I'm asking you to help me a little."
"You take care of them. That's your job."
Miles kept crying.
Luke grabbed the edge of my cast with both hands.
"You take care of them. That's your job."
I gently freed myself and whispered, "Okay. I've got you."
I've got it. I'm fine.
I'd been saying both for too long.
***
My mom, Noelle, came over the next afternoon.
She found me wiping formula off the counter with my good hand while Luke kicked in his seat.
"Hope."
"I'm almost done."
She took the cloth from me.
"Mom, it's sticky."
"It'll still be sticky in five minutes."
I sat.
She found my tea in the microwave.
"You reheated this already?"
Mom knew I cleaned when I was overwhelmed.
She made me a fresh cup.
"You reheated this already?"
"Where's Derek?"
"Work."
"He'll be tired, of course."
Mom gave me a look.
I took a sip.
"I'm fine."
"He'll be tired, of course."
"There's that voice you use when you're lying to me, Hope."
I looked away.
Mom didn't lecture me. She just helped with the boys, washed bottles, made dinner, and left after we'd eaten.
***
That night, Miles woke first.
Then Luke followed with his loud cries.
I nudged Derek.
"There's that voice you use when you're lying to me, Hope."
"Can you take Luke?"
He rolled onto his stomach.
"I have work."
"So?"
"I have to be up in four hours."
Luke's crying grew louder.
"I have to be up in four hours."
"So do I."
"No, you don't."
I froze.
"What does that mean?"
"You can sleep when they sleep."
I almost laughed.
Instead, I got up.
Luke was still crying when Derek pulled the blanket over his shoulder.
***
Three nights later, Mom called.
"My car won't start. I can't make it over."
I looked at the twins. Both badly needed a bath.
"Don't try bathing them alone."
"My car won't start. I can't make it over."
"I won't."
"Promise?"
"I'll wait for Derek to get home. Promise."
When he came home, I met him near the kitchen.
"I need you to bathe the boys tonight."
He dropped his keys into the bowl.
"I need you to bathe the boys tonight."
"I just walked in, Hope. Don't you think you're being a bit ridiculous right now?"
"I know."
"They need one."
"Use a washcloth and warm water. That's what tired mothers do."
"Don't you think you're being a bit ridiculous right now?"
"Derek."
He sighed.
"I've been working all day."
He looked at me like I'd said something ridiculous.
"Why should I have to come home and take care of the kids too?"
"I've been working all day."
I stopped.
"Too?"
"What?"
"So?"
"You think this is what I do after my day?"
"You stay home."
"With Luke and Miles."
"You stay home and do nothing all day."
For once, I didn't defend myself.
I just said, "Okay."
"Okay what?"
"Nothing."
He stared at me.
"Don't do that calm thing."
"What calm thing?"
"The thing where you stop talking."
He knew I hated conflict and usually kept talking until everybody felt better.
Mostly him.
"Don't do that calm thing."
***
That night, after the boys finally fell asleep, I sat at the kitchen table with my aching arm resting on a folded towel.
Earlier, Luke had reached for me, and I'd had to ask Derek to lift his own child.
I opened my notebook.
Baths. Evening bottles. Carrying the boys upstairs. One nighttime waking.
I stared at the list.
These weren't favors. I physically couldn't do them safely.
***
The next evening, I slid the page across the table.
Derek glanced down. "What's this?"
"What needs to change while my arm heals."
He read the first few lines.
I physically couldn't do them safely.
"You made me a schedule?"
"I made us a plan."
He pushed the paper away. "I'm not doing shifts in my own house."
I looked at him. "Then tell me what you will do."
His expression tightened.
"Hope, I work all day."
"You made me a schedule?"
"I know. I'm asking what happens when you come home."
He didn't answer.
"I can't carry both boys. I can't do baths alone. Last night, I tried to settle Luke by myself because you wouldn't get up."
That got his attention.
"I'm asking what happens when you come home."
"You shouldn't have done that."
"I shouldn't have needed to, Derek. But you gave me no choice."
Derek looked away.
"Will you take these things over until I'm cleared?"
"No."
I'd spent days calling his refusal a misunderstanding.
"But you gave me no choice."
That word stopped me.
"All right."
He frowned. "What does that mean?"
I folded the page and stood.
***
In the nursery, Luke stirred when I reached for the diaper bag. I froze until he settled again.
Then I called Mom.
"Can the boys and I stay with you for a few days?"
"Did something happen?"
"Nothing new. That's the problem."
"Can the boys and I stay with you for a few days?"
"Hope."